Catch on fire if you must, sometimes everything needs to burn to the ground so that we may grow.
- A. J. Lawless
To understand my "now" phase, I must be conscious of the patterns and stories that I have been telling myself and have been embedded in me from this life, past generations and even past lives.
THESE RUN DEEP, BUT THEY END WITH ME!
Growing up I was very timid and shy. I didn't like being around people, didn't like trying new things and had crippling fear over fun kid things like hanging upside down on monkey bars - I still have this fear btw! These fears I feel really held me back and stopped me from living and experiencing loads of stuff that other kids were out there doing. To be honest, my fear held me back for a good 28 years!
When I was in high school I had no idea who I was or where I fit in (I mean, does anyone?) but I had an incredible group of friends (still do) and beyond the fear and not knowing who I was, I had a pretty amazing childhood.
During my 20's, for 7 years I was in a toxic relationship, completely blinded by love, it only fueled the disconnect between me and my soul. When the relationship ended, it was like the universe spun me 180, the blindfold came off and I could see again. I started with a new slate. I was not broken, I was completely empowered, with the opportunity to change direction and reconnect with who I was.
I was 28 and starting fresh, able to breathe for the first time in a long time, yet still lost as to who I was and where I wanted to go in life. A friend introduced me to meditation and I still remember the first time I listened to a guided meditation on youtube. To feel the force of universal energy flowing through me; to feel my own energy field for what was probably consciously the first time; to feel the calmness; to be still; WOW. There is so much power in this practice!
To flow with the topic of fears, I feel my pilgrimage is my way to force myself to face them.
I was never interested in the whole living abroad thing when I was younger. Again, stuck in a total state of unconscious fear, I kept close to my comforts, rarely saying yes to anything that wasn't in that zone for me. But things happen in divine timing and when we are open and ready to receive the magic that is offered. What might not feel right now, may feel right tomorrow. Things change; perspectives change; people change.
This past week, with the August full moon, we held a full moon ceremony here at La Casa Shambala on Koh Phangan Thailand, where I am currently staying. After a short, personal mediation, we wrote down things we wished to let go of and what we would like to invite in. We blessed our prayers then surrendered them into the fire, releasing what no longer serves us, transmuting it back into love and light.
I chose to release my fear of driving my scooter (which honestly sounds hilarious but the anxiety was real!). I invited in courage, bravery, protection and support from my team of light and I let go of the fear and anxiety that was holding me back and limiting my capacity to experience fully during my time here.
With this practice, my perspective changed; my energy changed; my experience changed. It was simple yet it was filled with intention, and that's the beauty of this kind of work, it is all about Your Intention.
There is no growth when we stay inside our comfort zone. I've chosen a mindset of love and gratitude with challenging myself, pushing my limits and empowering myself to do things that make me uncomfortable.
Stay tuned for more of my journey as i continue travelling, learning and growing.